HAVE you ever found yourself avoiding a conversation with someone because you simply didn’t know what to say?

If so, then you are certainly not alone. It is very common to feel overwhelmed when someone approaches you with a problem, especially one you have no idea how to solve.

To take an example, if a person has just been bereaved, it is surprising how many people react by avoiding them altogether. This is not because they don’t care – but more to do with not having any idea what to say.

The advice I give to people in this situation, is that most of the time a listening ear is needed much more than trying to solve something that may not be solvable. If someone has just lost a friend or family member for example, there is no “solution” that can be offered. However you can still help by being there to listen to the other person and allowing them to process and clarify their own thoughts. You can also help by asking about what might help them to cope.

Often when we are confused or troubled by something, it can feel almost impossible to think straight.

Talking to someone else and expressing feelings out loud forces you to try and sort out your own thoughts in order to explain it to the other person. This can be really helpful as a first step to coming to terms with whatever you are facing.

So what makes a good listener? If someone starts opening up to you, there is no need to feel overwhelmed by this and as though you are now responsible for sorting everything out. What the person probably wants most of all is to have the chance to be heard, to say out loud what is going on in their head, and in the process feel validated in feeling whatever it is they are feeling.

In this age of text messages, emails and quick responses to questions, being listened to for even just a few minutes has become a real luxury.

I am pretty sure that if you think about the last time someone really listened to you, many of you will realise that it was some time ago.

It is worth remembering just being listened to can be enormously empowering. It gives you the chance to frame your own thoughts in the presence of another and feel heard in the process.

Next time you are in the position of being a listener, don’t worry so much about what you are expected to say.

If people want advice then they will generally ask for it. If they don’t, then they probably just want an opportunity to be listened to. If you can listen without judgment then you will be helping them even more.

People who feel judged by another will tend to avoid opening up to them again the future. As human beings we all have opinions on situations based on our own views and experience, but when someone approaches you with a need to talk, it may be helpful to put these to one side and just listen.

To be a good listener it is also important to be genuinely present as the other is talking. Looking away or letting your mind wander to something else will make the other feel as though what they are saying is not important. Show that you are really listening by feeding back to them what you have heard.

‘It sounds like’ can be a good way to start a sentence. If you have misunderstood something, then the other person will be able to clarify what they really meant. This will also be helpful to them as part of sorting out their own thoughts.

If someone tells you about a whole list of things on their mind, then often just a simple ‘It sounds like you’ve been through a really difficult time’ will be enough to make the other feel heard and understood.

Just like anything else, listening to others is a skill. It is also one that is ever more important in an increasingly rushed and automated world. Next time you have the opportunity to listen, see it as a privilege. By listening authentically to someone else you are showing that you genuinely care about them.

Without even knowing it, you might well be helping them make the first step towards improving their own sense of recovery and wellbeing.